Kenza found us somewhere on the internet and picked out some shirts she liked, but in the end she was too broke to actually buy anything.  She mentioned she would work off her t-shirt bill with some amazing poetry and we were totally game.

I knew we wanted a poem about something related to our shop, but couldn’t think of what – at that moment, one of our resident goofballs Darin Duval walked by my desk at the idea came to me – Darin Duval’s Balls.

Here’s a picture of Darin and the amazing poem Kenza wrote for us.  Her poem was a grand slam, and just another example of what you can do to get free shirts from us.  Get in touch at ig@idiotgenius.com and pitch your idea.

roses are red
violets are blue
darin duval’s balls
are a special kind of hue

they are round and rotund
and carry a great deal of mass
they are dark and hairy
and lie right near darin’s ass

darin has two balls
ball A and ball B
one is a romantic
the other a goddamn S.O.B.

they’ve been known to be cocky
and a little explicit
and in the hottest days of summer
they smell like teen spirit

they can become quite testy
and are not always pleasant
and their need for attention
can be quite incessant

but through and through
when all is said and done
darin’s balls are quite spectacular
you all wish you had one.

In recent news, we’ve got a new statue and some weird unopened foods.  The BITES came from the snack section of the Puerto Rico airport.  The snack section for HUMANS, keep in mind.  The package proudly proclaims “NO SPILLS” (whatever that means), it proudly proclaims “CHICKEN BOUILLON AND SAUSAGE”, and the number one ingredient is “MECHANICALLY SEPARATED CHICKEN”.  Super duper yuk.  We’ve offered up free shirts to the proud soul that comes by our shop and eats these nasty morsels and no one has taken us up on it.  Maybe you?

On the other hand, we have this delightful can of Heinz Spotted Dick.  This is some very peculiar stuff.  When you shake the can, you can feel some giant moist stub in the exact shape of the can banging around in there.  It’s just one giant slob of sponge cake inside.  The directions are weird – open the top first, slide a knife around the cake, open the bottom and let it fall out.  For some reason it’s very important to open the actual top first, it has directions saying “THIS SIDE FIRST!” on the top of the can.  What would happen if you opened the bottom first?  No one knows.  The Dick will get eaten someday when a resident Idiot forgets to bring his can of Spaghetti O’s and Sliced Franks for lunch.

The shop gets overwhelming sometimes, so we went to the petting zoo and met some cute Llamas.

This white one looks darling but he was a true bastard.  He pooped all over my feet and couldn’t keep his damn nose out of my bird seed Dixie cup.

This bucktoothed Llama was a pimp.  He just sat in the corner and hung those teeth out of his badass face.

Elise and Rob did the Warrior Dash in Copper Mountain earlier this month, check out these awesome costumes -

Yikes!  For those of you looking for the secret word for a cheap deal, the coupon code is PUNISHER, and it’s good through labor day weekend.  More Summer Shenanigans to come.

Have you had a chance to get one of our circle IdiotGenius stickers yet? They’re the ones with Einstein diggin’ a monster boogie out. If you’ve bought a shirt from us, you might have gotten one in the shipment.Well here’s a sweet little side not about that marketing apparatus: They’re the exact size of most coasters.

Yeah, pretty sweet right? We didn’t even plan it that way. Talk about happy accidents! Once we figured it out, it changed forever the way we keep our hardwood tables in mint condition while drinking heavily. Only the finest tables and only the finest coasters for our crew.

So how do you come across one of these coaster decorations? Well if you don’t live in Fort Collins, you’re gonna have to rely on us to send you one. Or 5. So buy a shirt from us and we’ll include one, OR, if you’re clever enough, send us something amazing enough to grab our attention and we’ll just give you one. Or 5. I’m talking about anything from a fantastic poem, fake commercial, great photograph, or short story. All of which are things we’ve gotten in the mail already. And all of which are deserving of free shwag.

So keep your tables free of water rings and get yourself one of these things. We’re super pumped about them and the beer that gets drank upon them. It’s like getting 2 birds stoned at once!

Do you want free shirts from us? Or do you want to freeze this winter when you’re chipping ice off your second Kia that you got for free in their Buy One Get One sale they had a few years ago? You obviously want free crap, so this is how you do it.

AMUSE US.

That’s it. A dude named Kab from Minnesota figured it out. He wanted a Charles Bukowski shirt for his girlfriend so he sent us a poem as payment. We take more than just U.S. American dollars for our goods. We also take humor.

“Oh.  Love of my life.
Why must you not be my wife?
Jellyfish so smooth on my skins
Why of why won’t you let me in?
emotions
in the oceans
jelly filled fun
You sting me and paralyze me.
it’s why i can’t run.
run away run away
Run away with me tonight
Jellyfish lover
I’ll keep you up all night
Last night
every night
I promise not to quit
I promise i won’t drink and I promise I won’t hit
Promises promises
Our kid will never be
captured by Scientists no matter how ugly
Painful tests to determine how he was created
Apparently a marriage between human and fish is hated
Why of why can’t our marriage be made?
I’m sure no one would care if you were the little mermaid.
Soft and smooth
I’ll run my fingers over you
I’ll buy a diving apparatus
if you promise not to move
You are my groove
I am so in love
Why are you so deep and I must live above?
You touch me and tempt me
Why can’t I stop this dream
Jelly fish jelly fish the most sensual being”

We deemed this “Genius” and he therefore got a shirt. Give it a shot and send us a story, video, photo, or whatever else you can think of and see if its worthy.

Good job Kab, keep it real and tell your girlfriend hi for me.

The cumulative BAC of the party patrons must have been off the charts  – combined, it would be high enough to put Rancor in a coma.  Thanks everyone for staying safe and not cracking your skulls open.

Thanks to Max, Sonja and Travis for the setup and tear down.  You can count on some repeat offending next year!

These things were given out in Oklahoma gas stations in the 1950′s for people who bought more than ten gallons of gas.  They sat in some grandpa’s basement for 60 years,and judging by the clumsy bastards around here, I bet we’ll break em in about a week.

My dear friends,

I must alert you of the strange activities going on around me – the ink monkeys at our favorite T-shirt shop have apparently been confined to their cages for too long and appear to be retaliating! After months of getting shot up with experimental drugs from glowing syringes, watching coded sequences of flashing lights and being forced to operate “cotton-powered rotating platform machines” I think we’ve finally lost control of the lab! I dare say we’ve pushed these monkeys too far. They’ve somehow developed super human strength, bent the bars of their cages, pulled the fire alarm and even urinated on my keyboard! The sprinklers above me are spraying water on my glasses and this alarm sound is driving me mad!

They seem to be up to something I can’t quite discern…I can’t see very well through the flashing red lights and the rain from the sprinklers, however…it appears to be an ape with an amazing fashion sense, wearing a wig, eating a sandwich, AND playing a ukulele!? I can’t be certain, but it appears that everyone watching her is eating bar-be-que and drinking beer! Wow, these apes have certainly been pent up for a long time!! Someone get Jane Goodall on the line!

They’ve taken me as their hostage and have handed me a note to broadcast. The apes are demanding your presence at one of their primitive gatherings. The note reads as follows:

Friday August 20th – Idiot Genius Party

our local darlings The Honey Gitters are headlining (at 8ish)
the amazing and ultra-witty Danielle ate the Sandwich will kick things off (at 6ish)
the beer, the Hog Wild BBQ and the packs of 1980′s trading cards are free
The random shirts we make in our spare time will be here and available for cheap

I’m being told if anyone shows up wielding a glowing syringe of experimental miracles, they will be sliced into 18 body parts.
Now they’re telling me that kids are welcome, dogs are welcome and hogs are welcome in case we run low on food.
Come by for the fun and feel free to bring anyone that you like. And will someone please stop this ape from poking me with a protractor??

So here’s our winning caption!

“Look at the mess you made. We do that OUTSIDE…OUTSIDE!”

We laughed so hard we almost threw up. That’s just the type of high brow comedy that we subscribe to around here. Poop joke and an old lady joke. Classic.

Congrats Zach! You win a shirt of your choice for that keen intellect of yours. We’re gonna have more contests all the time, so keep up the good work.